Take this down.

Ahri village is seeking powerful warriors. Sure, we were able to vanquish the foolish Sephiroth, but now we have another problem. The ahrimen (the monsters protecting our zombie-village) have fled at the sight of a monster known as the Abductor. The Abductor, as you might imagine, is bringing my villagers flowers. STOP IMPROVISING, SCRIBE! I AM NOT SARCASTIC! LEAVE WHAT I SAID! HE IS ABDUCTING OUR VILLAGERS!

Anyway, my village's population is dwindling and I need the aid of powerful warriors to find this Abductor and destroy him. In return, I will give you the heartiest of handshakes and, if my villagers are all returned safely, a hug. (Remember, she has big hooters and wears close to nothing). SCRIBE! WHEN THE GREAT VETERAN RETURNS I WILL SACRIFICE YOU TO HIM! DELETE THAT! ...IS IT DELETED!? WHY ISN'T IT GONE YET. LOADING TIMES? ....I see. Good. Return to the message, Scribe!

Please come help us. We are a poor village that should not be subject to such torture. Please?

Scribe! Add a frowny face to this message! Make us seem helpless! Make it cry, if possible!

:_(

Excellent. You may live, Scribe. Stop typing.

Scribe! Take this down! Stop writing until I'm ready!

Recently, the evil Sephiroth, who presumably tried to destroy the world, challenged the great and mighty Veteran. He was immediately hit with a Countdown and tried to defeat the Veteran in a short amount of time, but the Veteran eventually ate him. With his eye. Sephiroth will not be missed.

The world is now rid of the threat of Sephiroth thanks to the efforts of Ahri Village and the supreme guidance of Queen Yunalesca. To thank us for this defeat, you may deliver monetary donations to any of the Ahri traders that will be in the major cities. Remember not to look them in the eye. We also accept food, especially bread.

You're welcome.

~Queen Yunalesca

OOC: Psst, she's lying.

Finally, one of my subjects has brought me a computer! Now I can finally buy more.......

....

....

WHERE THE HELL IS MY ONLINE SHOPPING!?!?!


( Click Here to Read About Ahri )

WHAT IS GOING ON!?!?!

I woke up this morning and it was hot. Very hot. Like, 85 degrees. My thermostat is set to 72 always! And so, I knew that the world was once again coming to an end. I told Zaon how the world was ending though and he didn't reassure me that it would all be okay. He always reassures me! Something is wrong. He is having an affair!!!

He seemed so distracted. So distant. He is having TWO affairs! He continued to pace, then left in a hurry mumbling something to himself. I couldn't hear, so I can only imagine he was saying "I love my wife but am having sex with THREE other women." Then, he has the audacity to tell me to make my own breakfast. He knows I can't make my own toast! Does he think I'm one of his stupid affair women that knows how to cook!?

Since I could not bake my own toast, I decided to go out for breakfast. There were the usual comments as I entered a familiar restaurant. "Are you okay?" "Can I help you find some clothing?" "Is your husband having an affair?" "You came all the way down here for toast?" One of those might've been in my head. I'm not okay!!!

As I am eating my, ahem, SIDE ORDER OF TOAST (why did they not make me a full meal of toast!?!?), there is suddenly this gigantic burst of heat. People in the restaurant were sweating and whining about all their clothes. NOW WHO IS CRAZY!!!! Then, everything starts to crumble. I don't know what happened entirely, but our whole city hit extreme turbulence and dropped out of the sky. It cracked in the middle and I really cannot remember what happened because all I can remember are scenes from Titanic. My memory has confused them. I AM KATE WINSLET!

The city was in the water and we did not have enough boats, but Jack assured me the boats would come back. It gradually started to sink as I floated on a raft I constructed of dead people and that waiter that told me my toast was just a side and it would be cheap. I AM NOT CHEAP! He made my raft bouncy for awhile, but he finally quit struggling and died.

NO BOATS EVER CAME FOR ME! Jack died and it's all their fault!

THIS IS ALL ZAON'S FAULT! IF HE HAD NOT CHEATED ON ME WITH FIVE OTHER WOMEN THE WORLD WOULD NOT HAVE ENDED!

No. This is not possible. A day called "Black Friday"? This could not have come at a worse time. As if I was not already skeptical of my colleagues, now this. They have somehow corrupt an entire DAY. The mall was a riot, as you'd expect from something called Black Friday. There were thousand of blackies! Sure, thousands of whities and otheries, too, but still! They were everywhere! And what did we do when they looted the mall? We gave them discounts! Half off all Junon Juices purchased that day!

But I showed them! Half off means half-filled! I just put a dark lid, which I called the "Black Friday Lid" on top so they couldn't see, then handed them a half-filled drink! And whenever they sipped down a bit and came back to complain, I would just yell at them for drinking half of it and whining!

And do you KNOW what my Black-Friday-loving associates did!? They gave them a whole new cup! They messed up my whole plan! They should burn in hell for defying me! Now they received one and a half Junon Juices for half the price! Barret and Buddy are retarded! I hate them all!

The blackies are up to no good. I was very suspicious of them last week, and while some of that paranoia is gone, I am still afraid. Barret and "Buddy" (I still don't know his real name) enjoy each other's company too much. I should've known. They're probably related. Cousins at least.

Today we had to give out free samples. They told me to deliver samples, but I'm nobody's puppet! They can't get me to do whatever they want, just because there are two of them! Besides, I know what they're up to! They want me out so they can turn Junon Juice into some "blacks only" juice bar. I will defend white rights to the death! So I ordered Barret to deliver free samples. He got his arm stuck in a blender years ago and lost his hand, so now he's able to replace his hand with a portable blender or a gun or a car stereo, so he's best equipped for the job.

Besides, this gives me time to evaluate this "Buddy" character. I'll find out his real name and how he's related to Barret. You've met your match, "Buddy!"

........Also there's a scary lick-crazy dog out there! No WAY am I leaving!

I'M TERRIBLE AT PIANO! I CAN'T GO TO WORK EVER AGAIN OR I'LL BE FIRED! I HATE THESE RULES THEY DISCRIMINATE AGAINST ME!!! ZAON SHOULD LET ME QUIT BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T DO THIS JOB WITH ITS STUPID NEW RULES!

I was scheduled to begin work on Monday. When I showed up on Thursday, all they did was yell at me! They're all so rude there! The manager, Palmer, is so fat and ugly that I just can't take him seriously! I mean, gross! I don't even want to be near him! He's so fat that he takes up a huge portion of our small space in the back. We should find a way to have him fired. How are we supposed to pretend our food is natural and healthy with a lardbutt for a manager!? It sends one of two messages. 1. Our smoothies are actually mixed with lard. 2. The manager does not eat our food, probably because it tastes nasty. Either way, he needs to be fired. Maybe My lovely Zaon will find the power to have him fired. Then I could be in charge of the store and fire everybody working there! I'll make sure he finds a way to do this.

I don't know how they expected me to start on Monday. Don't they know I need time to prepare myself to work in such a hostile environment? You don't just walk into the ghetto. You don't just say "Hey, I'd like to play some blitzball. Maybe those black people will let me play and not try to rape me for being white and female and beautiful." Well, it's the same with working at the mall! My co-worker is no ordinary blacky. He is a big blacky. With a gun on his arm! He takes the gun off to work, but it's still there in his possessions! And I'm sure he has a hundred other guns on him! And knives, of course. Ohh, it's to cut strawberries! I'm not falling for it! He's going to rape me and kill me and rape me again because I'm so beautiful even in death!

I know he likes white women, too. His daughter is white! He has sex outside his race!

ZAON GET ME OUT OF HERE! I'M GOING TO BE RAPED ALL DAY LONG AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE! YOU PUT ME HERE! IF YOU WANT OUR MARRIAGE TO LAST YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF HERE OR I'LL DIVORCE YOU TO AVOID DAILY RAPE FOR THE REST OF MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE!